Sarcasm express pulls out of the station

I was talking to my friend on the phone just now, and he pointed out that I'm actually only funny when being sarcastic. This is a shame because I do so feel that sarcasm is a bit mean-spirited. But what is a girl to do? Be dull or spread ill will? For this post, I have chosen the latter. The sole funny comment that I made during our conversation occurred while I was relaying my recent experience with an online dating site. I'd answered some questions about myself (improving my chances! finding the man of my dreams!) and apparently had some astronomically high chances, statistically speaking, of being a great match with this fellow I knew. The problem is that I have seen him before in person and always thought that he looked. . . well, . . . evil.

"What do you mean evil?" my friend asked, "is he ugly?". "No" I replied, "his face is very symmetrical, it just looks equally evil on both sides." This comment strikes me as mean, but my friend got a real kick out of it. He was also humored when I mentioned that this friend of his -- for whom I do not care -- seems to have social skills on par with those of an ant. No art was present in that sarcastic cut down, though, so I'm hesitant even to mention it.

In terms of good 'ole self-deprecating humor, which is less likely to hurt the feelings of any reader (which, I suppose, would only be myself), I'm in a bit of a pickle. Basically, I'm waiting for a break-up email, although it will be from a person whom I just met online. Somehow, I develop feelings for people whom I've never met virtually out of thin air. . . and a few vowels and consonants tossed up in front of my eyes on the computer. The problem is this: normally, I cope with frustrating events by eating. However, because I couldn't deal with the angst of expecting to receive a break-up email from my non-boyfriend on the internet, I already ate the ice cream. So now I'm out of ice cream, the email hasn't arrived, and I have no idea how I'll cope once it arrives.

Oh, the pain of life as a single, somewhat-symmetrical, woman, trapped in the throes of an internet relationship in this age of cyber fake breakups and real life ice cream.